Happy Birthday to Claire, Happy Birthday to Claire!!!

Thursday, September 21st. I promised myself all week that I would rejoice and be blessed that on her 4th birthday Claire is alive and having her with us is the best gift of all. Icing on her birthday cake is that Claire sailed through her week of receiving all her chemotherapy drugs, absolutely no nausea, and WALKED slowly but independently through her home front door late Tuesday. She is home on her birthday, where she is surrounded by love, life and happiness. But the evil and degrading effects of the drugs started to appear this morning and stole all her energy and bright color. Currently, she is fever and symptom free of any infection, it's just so difficult to see her need to rest after walking from the DORA decorated kitchen table to the living room or watch her excited and requesting all her favorite foods only to sit and stare at them as the drugs devoured her appetitie. I found myself taken with grief and anger again....wanting just one day of our / Claire's old life back - wanting not to feel empty inside cause I selfishly miss my vibrant and beautiful angel. And as I screamed and cried this morning in the shower, I pictured Claire with her hands up, yelling "WEEEE!" as Auntie Erin and I, wheeled her and Reese down the hospital hallways last Monday, and pictured Claire smiling and feeling the fresh air on her face, for the first time in almost two months, yesterday on the swing in the backyard, and I felt warmth remembering Claire kissing and holding my hand while we walked to bed last night and I started to repeat my earlier promise to myself over and over and over again. This isn't the birthday or year we dreamed of for her but she is here today and fighting harder than we can ever imagine. The cancer and treatment can take her body right now so that she can thrive again later but underneath the horrible fatigue she is still our Claire in spirit .....Our Claire that idolizes her older brother always seeking his attention and approval, that adores her father and wants only to be in his arms, that is truly content and happy when Reese is near by, that laughs and giggles with her aunties, uncles and cousins, that loves to be spoiled by grandparents near and far, that at such a young age has encountered genuine and special friendships, that will never know the strength and courage she inspires in her mother and most importantly that she fills all of us with a sense of intense joy and pure love every day. Happy Birthday Super Claire!